The Mum Guilt We Do Not Always Talk About

Nadia Khan Author

Mum guilt, self-care and motherhood through an Islamic lens, letting go of expectations and learning to care for yourself without guilt.

After a conversation with a sister who is so dear to me, I came away thinking, you know what? This needs to be a blog.

Mum guilt. Uff. That is something I have really had to work on over the years. Learning to let go of that feeling that I am doing something wrong simply because I want something for myself.

Why is it that as mums we can feel guilty for wanting a life that is not completely centred around our children?

Why do we feel guilty for wanting to go out for a coffee? Or have dinner with friends? Or even go out on our own?

Why do we feel like we need permission to buy something that is just for us?

Why can sitting down with a cup of tea, reading a book or having some proper quiet time feel like an indulgence?

And sometimes, we just want to do nothing.

Not clean.

Not cook.

Not organise something.

Not look after someone.

Just sit.

And even that can make us feel guilty.

I remember how easy it is to get caught up in that constant feeling of, I should be doing something.

There is always something that needs doing when you are a mum. There is always washing. There is always food to be made. Someone needs something. Something needs organising.

And if we are ill, it can be even worse.

We can be lying there feeling awful and still thinking, I should really get up and do this.

Because somewhere along the way, many of us have picked up this idea that being a good mother means always being there, always doing, always giving.

And if we stop, rest or choose ourselves for a little while, then somehow we are failing.

But are we?

What does Islam actually say about this?

This is something I have thought about a lot.

Because I think sometimes, as Muslim women, we can put even more pressure on ourselves because we genuinely want to do the right thing. We want to fulfil our responsibilities. We want to be good mothers. We want to look after our families.

And of course, our children have rights over us. Our families matter. Caring for others matters. Alhamdulillah, being a mother is a huge blessing and a huge responsibility.

But does being a good mother mean completely forgetting ourselves in the process?

I do not believe it does.

The Prophet Muhammad ﷺ reminded us that our body has a right over us.

I think that is something we really need to sit with.

Our body has a right over us.

Our health matters.

Our wellbeing matters.

Rest matters.

Looking after yourself does not mean that you love your children any less. It does not mean that you are selfish. And it certainly does not mean that you are a bad mother.

We are also an amanah. We have a responsibility to look after ourselves too.

And I am not talking about putting ourselves before everyone else all the time. I am talking about balance.

There is a difference.

But then there is the stigma...

This is where I think things can become particularly difficult for women.

There can be this unspoken idea of what a “good mum” looks like.

She is always available.

She cooks.

She cleans.

She looks after everyone.

She knows what everyone needs.

She puts herself last.

And if she has any time left after doing everything for everyone else, then maybe she can have some time for herself.

But what happens when we live like that for years?

What happens to the woman underneath all those roles?

And why is it that when a mother wants some time for herself, it can so easily be seen as selfish?

A mum wants to go out without her children. She is selfish.

She wants to buy something for herself. She is selfish.

She wants to rest. She is lazy.

She wants to have a coffee with a friend. She should be at home.

She wants some time alone. Why does she need that?

Yet nobody seems to question the fact that mothers are human beings too.

We need friendships.

We need rest.

We need laughter.

We need space.

We need things that are just ours.

And I think we need to stop feeling guilty for that.

What are we showing our children?

This is something I have thought about a lot too.

Because our children are watching us.

Our daughters are watching how we treat ourselves, but so are our sons.

What are our sons learning about women by watching their mothers?

I want my sons to understand that the mother of their children is not just “Mum”. She is a woman in her own right.

She has needs, feelings, friendships, interests, dreams and a life outside of motherhood. She may need time to herself. She may need to rest. She may want to go out for a coffee, meet a friend or simply have some time where nobody needs anything from her.

I want them to grow up understanding that a woman does not stop being an individual just because she becomes a mother.

And for our daughters, I want them to see the same thing.

I want them to know that becoming a mother does not mean losing yourself.

Perhaps one of the greatest lessons we can give our children is not just through what we tell them, but through what they see us do.

Let them see us care for ourselves.

Let them see us have boundaries.

Let them see us rest.

Let them see us have a life of our own.

Let them see that we can love our families deeply without disappearing into the role of being a mum.

And how many mothers are actually masking in front of their children?

We are tired. We are overwhelmed. Sometimes we are struggling inside, but we put on that face because we feel we have to be the best version of ourselves for our children.

We have to keep everything together.

We have to be strong.

We have to be patient.

We have to be happy.

Because we are their mum.

But what if we looked at that differently?

What if, instead of constantly trying to be the best version of ourselves for our children, we focused on becoming the best version of ourselves for Allah first, then for ourselves, and then for our children?

Because if we are working on ourselves for the sake of Allah, Insha'Allah, everything else starts to fall into place.

When we are connected to Allah, when we are taking care of ourselves, when we are working on our character, our patience, our boundaries, our wellbeing and our relationship with Allah, we naturally become a better version of ourselves.

Not a perfect version.

We are never going to be perfect.

But a version that is more grounded, more aware, more content and hopefully more at peace.

And our children will benefit from that too.

Maybe our children do not need us to constantly mask how we are feeling or pretend that everything is perfect.

Maybe sometimes they need to see us say, “Mum is tired today, so I need to rest.”

Or, “I am finding this difficult, but Alhamdulillah, I know Allah is with me.”

What a beautiful thing for our children to learn.

That you can struggle and still have faith.

That you can need rest and still be a good mother.

That you can have boundaries and still love people deeply.

That you can take care of yourself without feeling guilty.

And that your relationship with Allah is at the centre of who you are.

I know for myself, I want my children to see that caring for yourself is not selfish.

That you can love your family deeply and still have your own interests.

That you can be a mother and still be a woman with dreams, friendships, hobbies and things that make you happy.

That you can say, “Actually, I need some time for myself today.”

And that is okay.

So how do we let go of mum guilt?

I honestly do not think it disappears overnight.

It is something we have to notice and challenge.

When that voice in your head says, You should be doing something, ask yourself, Do I really need to be doing something right now?

When you want to go out without the children, ask yourself, Why am I feeling guilty about this?

When you are tired and need to rest, listen to your body rather than the voice telling you that a good mum should keep going.

And when you start thinking, What will people say? What will my children think?, bring yourself back to what actually matters.

Allah knows your intentions.

He knows how much you love your children.

He knows everything you do that nobody else sees.

You do not have to prove that you are a good mother by exhausting yourself.

We hear this phrase all the time, 'you cannot pour from an empty cup'.

And I know it sounds a little cliche, but there is something in it.

When we are constantly exhausted, emotionally drained and running on empty, eventually something has to give.

Looking after yourself does not mean you will suddenly become this perfectly calm, happy mother who never gets stressed.

Wouldn't that be nice though?

But it does mean giving yourself permission to breathe.

To rest.

To have your own space.

To have a coffee in peace.

To read that book.

To meet your friend.

To go for a walk.

To buy something because you like it.

To sit quietly.

Or, sometimes, to do absolutely nothing.

And you do not need to feel guilty about it.

You are a mother, but you are also you.

And perhaps one of the greatest things we can show our children is that we can love and care for the people around us without completely losing ourselves in the process.

Alhamdulillah, our children do not need a perfect mother.

They need a mother who loves them, guides them, supports them and, I think, shows them what it looks like to be human too.

So perhaps the goal is not to be the best mother we can possibly be by constantly giving more and more of ourselves.

Perhaps it is to become the best version of ourselves for Allah.

And Insha'Allah, when we do that, we become a better version of ourselves for us, and naturally, a better mother for our children too.

So go and have the coffee.

Take the time.

Rest when you need to.

Give yourself some space.

Read the book.

Meet your friend.

And if you want to do absolutely nothing for a little while, do that too.

You are not a bad mum for needing a little space.

You are human.

And perhaps, Insha'Allah, letting go of some of that mum guilt is not about caring less for our children.

It is about learning that we are allowed to care for ourselves too.